Three Articles: Copyright 1998 Gerry Reid
1. LET'S TRY PLEASANTNESS - Attitudes in
Real Life.
2. COPING WITH CHANGE - Skills for
Leading and Guiding.
3. RECOMMENDED - "SITES FOR SORE
EYES" - Knowledge for Growth.
1 of 3 ---
LET'S TRY PLEASANTNESS
I was just about to send this issue when I was presented
with evidence of just how overly sensitive and downright nasty the Internet and e-mail
have made many people. I was also reminded of how truly nice people can be - if they want
to. A long story made short as possible:
HISTORY:
In early 1997 I was thrown into e-mail chaos when I got bit
by a bug in my e-mail handler. I had received a message from a large international
organization. The sender had distributed a test message to several hundred (seemed like
thousands) of people. The sender intended to send "Blind Copies" but instead,
sent regular copies, which meant each recipient had a message that included 72K of email
addresses!
It took Netscape over a minute to just open the message.
Needless to say, I shook my head, chuckled out loud and "trashed" the messages.
The next time I created a "new" message, Netscape sent it as a "blind
copy" to each and every one of those addresses, even though my new message had no
association with the now trashed, but not erased, original.
It took me over a day to recover from the mess of responses,
about 95% of them pleasant and helpful. Five percent of the responses were very nasty and
I recall two in particular - one was a threat of FLAMING and FAXING my business to death,
and one was verbally abusive and extremely offensive.
At that time Netscape people were very helpful and advised
me that it was a known problem whenever there was a message in the "Sent" or
"Trashed" file that very large "CC" addresses. Easy fix - upgrade to a
newer version.
PRESENT SITUATION:
I recently had a catastrophic failure of my computer and in
rebuilding my system, guess what? I restored an old copy of my e-mail, but in my eagerness
to get back on-line, failed to upgrade with the newer version. The problem e-mail message
was still in the trash, having never been erased after the upgrade was installed. BOOM - I
got nailed again, yesterday.
This time, while not a single message mentioned the original
event nearly two years ago, the ratio of nasty to nice messages was shocking! More than
25% of the responses were what I call "not polite." No really nasty ones, so
far, thank goodness.
CHALLENGE:
Where has our common courtesy gone? Have we become so
removed and isolated from each other that we look for reasons to become angry and
unpleasant? Can we no longer embrace the concept of forgiveness?
HIGHLIGHT:
One high note in this day of chaos - In response to the
apology I sent to each person who contacted me (regardless if their message was nice or
nasty) there were a few people who sent very supportive, "Hey, mistakes happen"
messages. (Three sample messages at the end of this article.)
BOTTOM LINE:
Next time you get hit by a simple error or even an obvious
intentional SPAM, if you are going to respond, consider doing so in a pleasant, caring
way. You can make a big difference, by being an example of courtesy, patience, kindness
and understanding. You never know, you might ease someone else's headache as they struggle
to set things right after an unintentional or unavoidable error.
LIVING EXAMPLES:
I sent a great big "THANK YOU" to several very
nice people who made me aware that there are still some great role models out there. They,
in turn, sent notes that serve as great role-models: [Three examples and a footnote
follow.]
1. ---- Mr. Reid,
"Apology accepted. In this day and time, things like
this sometimes happen. It was not an inconvenience for me at all. I just wanted to let you
know so you could make sure the right person did receive your message. Have a great
week!" - Arnetta
2. -----Gerry:
"No problem. We all make mistakes. Hope everything
works out okay for you." - Suzan
3. ----
"Apology accepted! I hope the rest of your week goes
much better. The computer age! What can we say?"
Best wishes - Tammy
FOOTNOTE:
I sent Tammy a thank you for her pleasant note and here's
what Tammy sent in response to that - WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS ARTICLE!:
"Just imagine, a moment of my time made your day a
little brighter and a moment of your [time] did the same for me. Thank you.
"It's sad more of the world won't take just a moment to
say a kind word but will take 5 to be angry/mad.
"I just wanted to let you know that you really made my
day a lot brighter as well and to remind you there will be a better tomorrow."
Tammy
------
>>>>>>>> Talk about a role model!
Q.E.D.
2 of 3 --- COPING WITH CHANGE
PREFACE:
On Saturday, November 7, I will have a unique speaking
opportunity. I will be addressing the Texas State Lottery Millionaires Club! These are
folks just like you and me - until they hit the BIG ONE! Their annual education seminar
has two primary focuses: Financial Planning and Coping with Change. I find it interesting
and ironic that those are the same two topics that most people want to learn about - even
the vast majority of us who are not millionaires!
That will be my main message - "We all are striving to
deal with change - no matter what our circumstances." A long-standing to-do of mine
(along with getting more regular with the creation of this newsletter) is to begin writing
about my model of how to deal with the emotional roller-coaster of change.
Please send me (mailto:hi@gerryreid.com) your comments,
reactions and feedback regarding the following article, especially if you have seen one of
my many presentations about change, such as:
- •Paradigms
- •Change Management
- •1998-2004
- •Shaping the Perceptions of the 21st Century.
COPING WITH
CHANGE
Recognizing Healthy Emotional Reactions
Learning how to cope with change requires conquering three
specific challenges. The first challenge is to recognize that the emotional reactions to
change are natural and healthy human responses. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness
and depression will occur when our lives change, regardless of the kind of change; good or
bad.
When change occurs, we feel threatened because what we
previously knew gave us a sense of worth, and when things change, that knowledge is no
longer needed. Therefore, since our knowledge is no longer needed and not valued, we lose
some of our sense of self-worth. Naturally, we resist change because if we can somehow
prevent the new change from happening, we preserve our self-worth.
Once we understand and recognize the emotional content and
the patterns in change, we recognize the need to learn strategies for coping with those
emotions and patterns.
Learning to Identify Types of Change
Identifying different ways change occurs is the second
challenge. Sometimes change is optional. Other times change is inevitable. Sometimes
change is our own creation, other times changes thrust upon us. If we have multiple
choices as to what path to take, we must learn how to make the best choice from the
options available.
Regardless of the scenario, when change is occurring, the
benefits of the change are most quickly realized when the emotions involved are dealt with
quickly and effectively. This leads us to our third and final challenge.
Finding Ways to Cope with Change
Our third challenge is to find ways that help us cope with
and lead others in a process that accelerates the implementation of change. Whether change
is good or bad, the same set of emotions will be present. Successfully dealing with these
emotions assures the greatest return from the change, with the least cost, in the least
amount of time.
Shock
The first emotion of change is shock. At this time it is
most important for the leader or coach to show respect for the emotions of the person
dealing with the shock. Guttural sounds such as, "Oh, ah, uh" may the expressed
during shock, however since shock itself is primarily a nonverbal, internal condition,
verbal communication to the person in shock may be unnecessary and disruptive.
As a coach or guide to change, all that is necessary to do
during shock is to be present and attentive. Simply "be there" for the other
person. Respect the dignity of the person in shock. While it is impossible to feel what
that person is feeling, it is possible to show empathy by being silently present and
available. Observed body language and listen carefully for the first attempts at verbal
communication.
Denial
The next natural emotion encountered in reaction to proposed
change is denial. It is important to accept the denial as a normal emotion. Our natural
instinct is to fight the change by arguing against it, "denying" that it is
correct or by fleeing from it, "denying" that it exists.
Help the person who is expressing denial to embrace the
change and deal with it by reducing their fear of the change. Assure the person that is
changing of their safety and security in the new approaching situation. Find and express
examples of the value they will have in the new situation.
Anger
Once change is acknowledged and no longer denied, expect an
expression of anger. This expression can be as subtle as body language and facial
expression, or as obvious as raising the voice and shouting.
Acknowledge reasonable levels of anger by agreeing that it
is normal to be upset. It is very important not to deal with content at this point.
Emulate the person's level of anger by matching the tone and intensity of their voice and
body language. Then, quickly guide them to the desired behavior by demonstrating a calmer
and calmer demeanor.
Guide the process and defer discussing the content of the
anger until the anger has subsided. If anger is not expressed, it is possible that the
anger is being buried. Buried anger can fester and emerged a later time in a much more
intense representation. Encourage the expression of anger to assure that it gets vented.
(Any expression of anger in a physically violent or verbally
abusive way is abnormal and unacceptable, and is outside of this model of normal and
healthy reaction to change.)
Bargaining
Even while in shock, denial, or anger, the next stage,
bargaining, may begin. Bargaining begins as the person changing begins to explore how they
will exist with the new situation. Ask questions to help people discover what they need in
order to successfully participate in the change.
Listen carefully for statements indicating that they are
exploring what needs to be done. Help them find the good in the change. Offer ideas as to
how to discover the benefits of the change.
The process of bargaining may include negotiating the role
they will play, or the responsibilities they will accept in the new situation. Be open
minded and prepared to suggest alternative ways to deal with the change.
Bargaining's overall objective is to find the benefits of
the change and what is good about the change. Once the person changing recognizes their
role, accepts their value, and discovers the merits of the new situation, they will be
ready to move on to full acceptance of the change.
Sadness and Depression
However, on the way to full acceptance of the new situation,
depression and sadness will occur. Because the person changing seems to have accepted the
change, or has made considerable progress toward the change, depression and sadness at
this stage is often mistakenly judged and labeled as inappropriate.
What is more likely to be inappropriate, is full acceptance
of the new way without occasional reflection back to the way things used to be. During
such reflective times, sadness and depression should be expected. Even when good change
happens there will be moments when waves of depression and sadness will come over us. This
is a time of grieving for the loss of the old way, for in the old way, we were certain of
our value.
It is extremely important to assure the person feeling this
emotion that such a feeling is normal. Allow and encourage the expression of their sadness
and depression. Avoid dwelling on the depression. Quickly move on, refocusing their energy
toward accomplishing the change.
Acceptance
The final emotion of change is that of acceptance. As soon
as the person changing indicates that they are accepting of the change, acknowledge them.
Watch for consistent evidence in their behavior to confirm that they are accepting the
change.
Encourage the continuation of the new behavior by pointing
out to them your awareness and specific observation of the desired behavior. Since full
acceptance and implementation of the change is the ultimate desire of the leaders of
change, this is the ideal time to endorse the proper behavior by promptly and publicly
recognizing the achiever. Delaying such recognition dilutes its value.
Conclusion
Coping with change demands that we expect emotional
reactions to change, regardless of the source or nature of the change. The expression of
shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and depression, and acceptance are normal and
predictable.
Smooth about the roller coaster ride of life by getting your
ASK in gear: Attitudes, Skills, and Knowledge.
Crucial keys to your career success and personal happiness
are these:
- •Activate appropriate Attitudes about
Sensitivity and Caring.
- •Sharpen specific Skills about
Leading and Coaching.
- •Kindle relevant Knowledge about
Change and Emotions.
[Additional information on change may be found in my book,
ASK for Success (http://www.gerryreid.com/afs.htm), especially in
Chapter 19 - Embrace Change (http://www.gerryreid.com/embrace_change.htm)
3 of 3
--- SITES FOR SORE EYES
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT:
Give
one and you'll probably get one.
PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT:
Want to do some dictation? I highly recommend Dragon
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If you'd rather pay per dictation session, try this free
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"When it comes to speakers, you
deserve MORE than just talk!